Clearing a few things up...

Gosh...it's been a long time since I've actually written a real blog post!  I was going to say that I haven't had much to say, but that wouldn't be the truth.  I have a TON of stuff to say, just sitting on it a while to make sure it comes out right.

First things first - Today is my birthday and I'm thinking that it would be THE BEST day to get our referral!!

We are still sitting at #4 on the wait list, as far as I know.  I've been asked many questions about what this actually means and what comes next, and I've been meaning to write up a FAQs blog, but haven't gotten around to it.  AND, I love talking about the adoption process, so I don't mind answering the same questions over and over.  So, here's my attempt to put into writing what being #4 on the wait list means and what comes next:

Everyone adopting from Ethiopia through our same agency is put on a wait list once they get the Dossier turned in (if you don't remember what the Dossier is, you can search the archives, but basically it is a HUGE pile of paperwork that summarizes our entire lives).  We started at #32 on the wait list on July 1st.  When a child comes into the care center associated with our agency, the staff looks at the wait list, starting at #1, and determines which family would be best for this child.  Everyone on the has different "parameters," i.e., some are waiting for infants, some toddlers, some boy only, some girl only, etc.  WE are waiting for a baby under a year old, either gender, as healthy as possible.  When a baby comes into care that matches our request and we are the next on the list, we will get THE phone call from our agency, which is when we start going nuts and scramble to make sure we are together so that we can do the next step together.  They will let us know that they have a baby for us and will send us an email with pictures, health history, background, etc., which is when the champagne starts flowing, as well as the tears.  We will review the information, most likely send the medical info and pictures to an international pediatrician in Oakland, and then we have two weeks (I think) to accept or deny the referral.  Can't imagine any reason why we would deny, but it is an option, and that does not mean that we would get bumped to the bottom of the list. 

Once we accept a referral, our paperwork and baby's paperwork will be reviewed by MOWA (Ministry of Women's Affairs) in Ethiopia and submitted to court.  Then, we will receive our court date and make our first trip.  At this point, our first trip will be in February, at the earliest.  On that first trip, we will meet our baby, appear in court, and hopefully hear the words "He/she is yours!!"  Then, we have to come home.  Without baby.  Yes, very difficult.  We are REALLY hoping that on this first trip we will be able to travel to Uganda to visit a boy we have been sponsoring through Compassion International for 10+ years.  Can't wait!!

We have been told by the agency that our time between the first and second trip will be 8-12 weeks.  Our second trip involves an appearance at the US Embassy, meeting birth family (if available), and bringing baby home!!  20+ hours of flying home with a "new" baby who quite possibly has intestinal issues sounds terrifying exciting!!

The whole two trip thing in Ethiopia is new for our agency, so they are still working out a bunch of kinks.  Everything is subject to change, but this is a rough outline.  Hope that clears up any questions you may have, but if not, please don't hesitate to ask!!

Okay...the second thing I need to talk about is a little more serious and something I feel I need to clear up.  It was brought to my attention (and I'm so glad it was) that some of the links I have made to other blogs has caused at least one person (whose opinion I greatly appreciate) to worry about what they say to us because what they say may be offensive to us.  If they feel that way, maybe others are too???  I sure hope not.  That is SO not my intent.  I am realizing that I did not do a good job of prefacing the links that I shared with my own personal opinions, which made it look like what I was sharing WAS my opinion.  The fact of the matter is that I did agree with some of it and thought some of it was valuable information, but not all of it, and that is where I made the mistake.  Please accept my apology.

Here's the thing - I look at adoption-related stuff 97 times a day and have learned so much valuable insight from others who have walked this path before me.  When I read something I think, "wow...if I knew someone who was adopting, I would really like to know this information," but I'm realizing that not everyone feels that way and that it doesn't always come across that way.

I think the most important thing you need to know is this: DADDY AND I ARE NOT EASILY OFFENDED!!  There is very little you can say to us, as our family and friends, that would offend us, even when it comes to our children.  We know that you have our best interests in mind and would never do or say anything to intentionally upset us or our children.

That being said, we feel like we have an obligation to protect all of our children, and I'm pretty sure you do too.  This child that we are adopting is going to be born into a set of circumstances that we, as his/her parents, are not going to be able to relate to, unlike our other children.  Anything I can do to cut off any foreseeable grief before it reaches my child...I'm going to do.  I'm also going to do my best to learn as much as I can about the culture that they come from and the adversities that they may face in this country and this city as an adopted, African-American child in a white family.  I can't even imagine what this is going to look like for our child, and while I'm not going to dwell on it, I am going to be aware of the fact that it might not be easy and I need to be understanding and a source of information and strength for my child.  We are very go-with-the-flow kind of people, and we know that if God has given us this calling, He will most certainly see it through to the end.  He will not forsake us and He will not leave us alone to deal with the future.  I do not want to spend these days being anxious about what our future holds.

I want to remind you again: DADDY AND I ARE NOT EASILY OFFENDED!!  So, please, do not ever feel like you have to walk on egg shells, tighten up your filters, or be cautious around us. We have a great sense of humor.  We get jokes. Bring it.  All of it.  We can take it.  We want to take it.

I apologize for sharing a blog written by someone else about the top 10 things not to say to an adoptive parent without letting you know that not ALL 10 of those things are offensive to us and that we know your intentions are good.  That being said, we will not put our child in a monkey costume.  There are plenty of other cute costumes out there. And, we are doing our research on what's offensive and what's not when it comes to this kind of stuff.  I promise you this.  We want to be sensitive, but not go overboard.  Surely there's a happy balance to be found there somewhere.  And, I want to let you know that the "White Mama" blog was written by a first time parent, who realized after writing that blog that possibly her insecurities have just as much to do with being a first time parent as they do with being a "white mama."  A first time mama, I am not.  Not even close.  I have taken my kids out in various states of messiness MANY times and I'm not the least bit concerned about what other people think about it. 

Okay...I think that's good for that topic.  If you have any questions or concerns, PLEASE do not hesitate to ask us or bring it to our attention.  This is a learning experience for us!!

Lastly (I know...already?), we want to let you know that we have decided to keep our child's birth story and how they came to be an orphan, as much as we will know of it, to ourselves.  This was not something that we thought about in the beginning, and it's a little difficult for us because we are VERY open people and have thoroughly enjoyed sharing every step of this progress with you, but we have come to the conclusion that this is our child's story to tell...not ours.  We will share the story with our child as it is age appropriate, and they can share it as they feel comfortable.  We will, from day one, honor our child's birth mother and father (living or not) the best we can, but the details of how they came into care, what the birth family's circumstances are, etc. will be up to our child to tell.  We know that you will respect this decision because you are all amazing and supportive and understanding and want what is best for this child as much as we do.  To help you understand, you may want to read this article.  I think it does an amazing job of explaining why it is important.  I also really appreciate comment #3. 

I think I'm going to end by letting you know that you are not in anyway obligated to read this blog or the links that I/we share on the Facebook page.  You may not agree with any or all of it.  You may not feel comfortable telling us that you do or don't agree.  This is okay.  That is more than okay.  I have realized that I need to pull back a bit from the deep pool that is adoption-related blogs and Yahoo groups, etc., and that maybe you're all not quite as interested as I am in all of this info (including Daddy), and that we're not always go to agree or see eye to eye.  However, I think this whole thing is an amazing learning experience and I am so blessed to be a part of the good, the bad, and the ugly.