We have a son...but not really

It's been quite a while since I've written a "thoughtful" blog post.  

Why?  

Well...it's just downright hard.  

Here's the thing: 

We have a son.  

He is 16 weeks old today - four months.  

According to babycenter.com, 

he is learning to do mini push-ups and starting to make sounds.  

He could probably repeat ma-ma and da-da, if given the chance.  

He has dark brown skin and HUGE eyes.  

He takes a bottle, and he sleeps in a bed with yellow floral sheets.  

He was named "thanksgiving" at birth, but we will call him Mattias.  

Ty for short.  

We refer to him multiple times each day: 

What is he doing now? 

Do you think he will like this? 

What are you going to do with him when...?  

Look, there's an open chair for Ty!  

We pray for him all throughout the day.  

The girls pray each morning and each night that he is healthy, safe, feels loved, has enough food, that he is kind to others (this one makes me smile every time), and that others are kind to him.  

We have two boxes and two large bags full of baby boy stuff!! 

Here's the other thing:

We don't HAVE our son.

We don't know if he is doing mini push-ups.

We don't know if he is mimicking sounds.

We don't know if there are any blemishes on his beautiful dark skin.

We don't know how many bottles he has each day.

He doesn't know that he will be called Ty for short.

We don't know what he's doing right now.

We don't know what he likes or doesn't like.

There is STILL an open chair.

We don't know if he is healthy, or if he is suffering from a cold like the rest of us have this winter.

We think that he feels loved, but we don't know that.

We don't know if any of the clothes will fit him!!

I find that sometimes I try to avoid thinking about him or looking at his pictures, because it inevitably brings tears to my eyes and tightens my chest.

I feel guilty when I realized that I've gone through most of the day without gazing at his photograph.

I panic when I think about the fact that I haven't had a baby for five years, 

and never one that took a bottle.  

I wonder if I'm ready to go back to the baby stage...again...now that we're so far removed.

Thanks to Great Grandmother, we spent this last weekend in Yosemite.  It was a BEAUTIFUL weekend with gorgeous blue skies and warm sun (something that we haven't seen for quite a while here in Sacramento).  I lounged on the deck while the girls transferred 100s of ladybugs from tree to picnic table to fire pit (not lit of course), glass of Sutter Home Moscato in hand, basking in His glory, and I couldn't help but think about how different that trip would have been with a 6-9 month old.  We surely wouldn't have slept in until 8:00 each day, and I certainly wouldn't have been "relaxing," and I would have had to pack twice as much stuff!  It was then that I realized a few things:

One

I need to take advantage of and enjoy this time with the girls before we bring Mattias home.  They have become so self-sufficient and...dare I say..."easy" (relatively speaking, of course).  There will be no going to movies (most likely), free or otherwise, with a nine month old in tow.  

Been there...done that...and don't care to repeat it.  

Lazy weekend afternoons watching movies by the fire with the girls will probably not be so lazy anymore, as I'm sure Mattias will not be interested in sitting still for that long. 

Two

I have become very lazy comfortable.

I no longer have to "spot" anyone on the playground, making sure that they don't miss a step.

I can snuggle in a blanket on the couch while the girls get their own breakfast on Saturday morning.

Most weekends, we sleep until at least 8:00 a.m.

The girls know how to use the remote control and two-thirds of them can read, so they know what's on the guide.

I have trained taught the girls how to sort and bring dirty laundry downstairs and put their clean laundry away so as to avoid going up and down the stairs a bazillion times.

Three

 Yes

I

am.

I am ready for this!

Our last baby experience was a rough one.

Mostly due to the fact that we ALREADY HAD A BABY! 

(If you already know this story, you may want to skip ahead a bit.)

That's right...baby #2 was nine months old when we learned that we were pregnant with #3.

A bit of a surprise...to say the least.

We were terrified.

I'm not ashamed to admit it.

The first two to three years of #3's life are a blur.

Seriously.

At this point, I can honestly say that it was less than enjoyable. 

Two children under two was exhausting, and I couldn't wait for it to be over.

However, after things settled down a bit, I prayed and hoped for a long time that God would allow us to have another baby when we were all "ready" for it, so that we could all enjoy it, and dwell in it, and appreciate it.

And that time is 

NOW!

We are all so looking forward to this!

We can't wait to chase a little one around.

We can't wait for the busyness that surrounds a baby.

We can't wait for dirty diapers...well...some of us.

We can't wait to a push stroller and pack a diaper bag.

We can't wait to watch the girls go nuts over their baby brother.

WE CAN'T WAIT TO BRING HIM HOME!