How it Started

Even though I believe that this is a desire that God put into my heart when I was first created, this is technically how this journey began:

It was a Friday evening, January 22, 2010, and I had RSVP'd to attend a ladies Bunco night at church. For some reason, even though I usually really enjoy these types of events, I wasn't feelin' it. Even a little bit. I was dreading the idea of putting "going out of the house" clothes on, plugging in the flat iron, taking my slippers off, etc. And, I'm pretty sure it was a rainy, drizzly night too...making matters even worse. I really just wanted to stay in with the fam, cozy up together, watch a movie, and just snuggle. While sitting on the couch watching the Dog Whisperer on the National Geographic channel, I was struggling with this inner battle. Cesar finished the show, as usual, by summarizing the transformations that had taken place in that episode, and the next scheduled program was gearing up to start - Hope for Haiti Now. Had I known that getting started with this program may change the events of our lives for many years to come, I probably would have gotten off the couch to get ready for a fun-filled night of Bunco and good laughs. However, my rear-end didn't move an inch. That, my friends, was the beginning, and the end.

The earthquake in Haiti had occurred a week or so earlier, and up to that point, although greatly saddened by the loss, I hadn't felt it. Listening to the stories and looking at the images, seeing the destruction, watching them pull bodies from the rubble, seeing the babies...the babies. I sobbed. Uncontrollably. My heart literally ached and I shed God's tears for these people. He broke my heart the same way His heart was breaking. The babies. I couldn't stop.

Daddy is used to seeing me cry during TV shows, but the girls not so much. Honestly, I cried the other night when the girl from Vonore got the yellow ticket, advancing her to Hollywood on American Idol. I'm generally a pretty emotional person and I'm reduced to tears over very little, especially when kids are involved, but this was so different. I couldn't control it, and couldn't even laugh it off as mommy being overly emotional. The girls were doing their best to comfort ME, and I was a little worried that it was too much for them, but it was raw and honest, and there wasn't much I could do about it anyway.

Where was this coming from? Sure, it's completely reasonable to be upset by what I was seeing, but uncontrollable sobbing? A little overboard. Here's why: Because God was telling me to do something. Something scary, out of the norm, God-like. What also played into it was that I was fairly certain that Daddy would not be on board. Daddy is an incredible man and has a heart for God, but he is safe and very concerned with keeping his family safe - God bless him. I knew what God was calling me to do, but Daddy had already made it clear that he was done having children. We already had three kids. This was the main reason for a lot of the tears. How could God put something so heavy on my heart and not make Daddy feel the same way?

I started feeling the need/want to have a fourth baby about halfway through 2009. Why? I have no idea. Things are just starting to get a little easier around here. The last few weekends the girls have made their own breakfasts. Next school year, I will have two full days with all of the kids in school. No diapers, no nursing, sleeping all night, most every night. Why on earth would we want to start all over again??? I have no idea. Just a feeling, and one that Daddy didn't share even a little bit.

So, when I finally got off the couch for a moment to get a drink of water, Daddy met me in the kitchen and wrapped his arms around me, telling me he "loves my heart." My response: "That's great. But, are you willing to do something about it?" He knew exactly what "something" meant. To my surprise, he sat down with the laptop and looked up Haitian adoption. And just like that, the door closed. We don't qualify. To adopt from Haiti, each parent has to be at least 35 years old and have no more than two birth children. Really God? Hmmmpf.

In an attempt to not make this too long, I'll finish by saying this: I was supposed to be out laughing, fellowshipping, playing games this night. Also, the channel that we were watching aired Hope for Haiti Now two hours earlier than all the other networks. Had we not already been watching that channel, I would have gotten myself together and gone to Bunco so as not to disappoint or be flaky - missing Hope for Haiti Now and the tailspin of emotions. There are no coincidences when God is involved.